Cheaters Never Win!

Cheaaaaaaaaaterrrrrrrrr! HAHA. Cheaters Never Win! 0/10

I have an innate fear of being cheated on. Not an insecurity, a fear. Let me be clear: I usually fail to give a person enough time to know when or if he is fully invested, in anything. He realizes too late that he was. Sometime along these lines I find out he’s cheated. There might be only one person I’ve ever dated that I haven’t (at one point) either knew or thought was cheating on me. Only once. Every other time I was likely the object of betrayal or selfish tendency. End of introductory rant.

Cheating is selfish, among other things. And so begins my lore:

One surefire way to tell if a person will cheat on you, is if said person will share with you. If someone is selfish, they’ll likely cheat on dat ass. No seriously. Ask him for his last Skittle. Or more seriously, ask him to share anything worthwhile to him. It’s an indirect indicator that he probably cares more about himself than he does your feelings.

I speak from experience, which might be the most professing truth. Albeit, flimsy, they’re still my truths.

So much about a person’s tendency is dependent on how that person grew up. Environment allots for about  70% of what influences a person’s tendency. I mean environment as far as what a person has witnessed and been through:

A LESSON IN MONOTONY: Bigger than any rubbish love has always been the fear of monotony. Boredom. Same ole’ Same ole’. Actually, I grew up with the understanding that if you didn’t handle your business—you could look out for the next guy who would. My Daddy’s graphics company dissipated because businesses like his could do what he did better and faster. They began to populate Westwood, CA faster than he could draw a perpendicular line. If Dad had changed with the times he’d have been better equipped to keep up with the growing rate of need. He couldn’t trust any of the employees because they would steal from him repeatedly (unfortunately even including family) thus he just couldn’t keep up. His work is stellar at its worst, and his precision—immaculate. But he kept things the same, so his business evaporated for replacement by feistier fiends. And that was just business, imagine a relationship.

The scary thought is: If after time a love becomes monotonous, it could be just waiting to be replaced.

A LESSON IN ‘TOO FAST’: A guy I went out with three times (meaning date one, two, and then three) years and years ago asked my best friend out on a date once he figured out I was a slow-moving fountain and he wasn’t going to appeal to me via alcoholic average (lol). Believe it or not, since he was a B-list celebrity, my best friend then decided to go out with him. I wasn’t offended nor was I impressed, hey he wasn’t for me, but you never know. But steady for the best part:

After he goes out on date with her, he later sent me this text:

Him: One more chance?

Me: Unsubscribe

Was the first indicator not enough? What a riot. 

A LESSON IN, WAITING IT OUT/CHEATING: I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 15, and even that wasn’t realistic. I had that boyfriend’s child after giving up my virginity. My memoir (the book that’s standing trial awaiting an agent) elaborates, although I won’t. What I remember vividly about P.E. in elementary school, possibly at 9 or 10, wasn’t my son’s father because that was years before we’d met, but a boy named Travis. Travis was skinny, always ashy, had knocky knees, silky porcupine hair, and a gap in his front teeth. He was the first crush I’ve ever had. Travis picked one of those yellow imitation daisy flowers on the yard for me one day, probably out of boredom—and from that instant I was in full-on love with him. Diddlying his name across my notebook, scooting next to him when he lined up ‘indian style’ on the yard; I even wrote him one of those paper origami fortune-teller thingamajiggies that I was sure would grab his attention once he knew it said we were meant to be together. You know, forever. 

Every day I took stupid leaps of ridiculousness trying to get closer to him, to the point of utter foolishness. We had these hard plastic jump ropes that snapped as they hit the ground, a strew of various colors. Lalanii took it upon herself to jump rope sassily to the point of exhaustion in front of Travis one afternoon and ended up snapping the shit out of his top lip. It was a total accident. Really. Travis thought I’d purposely embarrassed him so there went that.

The next day, as I was gearing up another mountainous scheme to get him to hold my hand, I snuck behind the tetherball court and witnessed him giving some taller skinny chic the same damn ugly imitation daisy he’d given me, just the week prior.

“Cheatttttttter!!!” I screamed at him wacky legs and glasses falling all off.

Drama princesses all in tote behind me as Travis blinks incessantly and backs up like I was creating a new movement and he wasn’t for it. Travis was like many of the men I’ve experienced nearly what—almost twenty years later. While he didn’t mean to misconstrue his feelings, he did. He was vague. He made a friendly gesture and probably had no intentions to like me, but I took the ball and ran, no, better, I took what little he gave me—blew it up tenfold—and lost control of my “conscience carriage,” which is what I like to call my self-control.

Travis didn’t speak to me for weeks. It was close to the last day of PE class when he pushed me hard against the metal gate, took a hefty breath, squeezed his eyes together like before a needle goes into your skin—and pecked my lips. After that, I never saw or spoke to him again because I think (I can’t be sure) he moved abruptly. He didn’t even stay until the end of the school year. I remember that I wasn’t immediately able to gather myself, but when I finally came to–I realized he may have had the most innocent and purely infectious intentions, but he still kissed another girl… even if our relationship, err friendship was a bit floatish. The girl he kissed saw this and later kneed me in the crotch one fine afternoon. Another surprise.

If I had only waited it out. If I had only weighed out my crazy and waited. You know: “WAIT. FOR. IT.” Blurting to the school yard that he was a cheater must have been something I’d seen on T.V. or showtime in my very interesting living room.

My kick-friendly enemy and I became the best of friends and as it would turn out we lived across the street from each other. She still remembers this and tells the story every time we get together.

What I’m explaining isn’t the normal, “if he cheats on you he wasn’t yours in the first place”—byword, but better a “wait until his actions match his actions,” until your aura festers in him, and most of all: make sure he isn’t nine years old or that he doesn’t act like he is.

I think the saying is “cheaters cheat because they feel that they have nothing to look forward to,” and to a certain more ethos viewpoint, I believe in that adage. A ‘new’ person gives a relationship drowning in monotony and complacency—a fresh outlook. Like a vacation. I wonder if wandering eyes might be replaced with a vacation and adding some spice to what one’s got? But either way, my take on cheating is this:

“The grass is only greener on the other side if you don’t water the side you’re on.”

Although, some may view life “YOLO” (You Only Live Once, as re-purposed by Drake) whilst eventual emptiness ensues. Try getting everything you want and still wanting. It leads to an overabundantly-insatiable experience. A frightening and scary feat is the concept of long-term relationships and marriage, I know. A scarcity these days is a person who respects old-fashioned “die together shaky-wrinkled love”… for its beauty, consistency, sincerity, and that rareness inside of a person who wants to get tangled in a dreamlike place that’s lasting. A person that wants to be appreciated from that place and recognizes it enough to reciprocate that respect.

Cheating is saying: “I don’t respect you enough to be honest to you about what I need and what makes me happiest.”

I’ve read a million self-help books, sat through an incalculable amount of hours in counseling, and experienced the ache on both ends to know it’s so.

Maybe at nine years old a child can’t understand the difference, but as I gain experience I’ve realized that knowledge and self-containment is the most highly sought after quality. Two of the most necessary qualities I could ever need in another person. That person is  likely so well-put together and happy that he not only wouldn’t cheat and isn’t in need of another partner, but he’s so busy with his own self-accomplishments that he has to clear time out of his schedule to give undivided attention to his special someone, me.

This is the sort of love we must want, I know I do.

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Comments

  1. Life is a struggle. As is everything else. Including relationships at times. No person is perfect and we all want to be the only person our partners are interested in. People often ask why isn’t their partner making them happy, or why am i getting bored in the relationship when the problem actually lay within themselves. They go looking for someone else to be that, and find themselves in the same predicament time after time, constantly wondering why. People seldom take good looks at themselves, to see if they’re the problem because half of the time they’re filled with so much pride that it clouds their judgement. ie cheating and regretting. But checking yourself is a must when it comes to someone you love, because love is never a one way street.

    • Tell me about it. But what I’ve learned is indefinite… that love starts with self first, so yea, it can at times be a one-way street. It’s only when we love ourselves in the best way possible, that we ca be at a level of stability to properly love someone else. Thanks for the comment! Muah!!!

      • Hey Lalanii,
        I imagine that if a sort of love is one sided then both do not share that same love. Why would a person that does love themself partake in such a cruel relationship with someone who doesn’t. I find it wicked for someone to try to take advantage of the love of someone who would seem so weak. That doesn’t sound like love to me. HonestIy I feel as though people are quite capable in a sense of loving their partners without loving themselves. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. If the one who fully loves themself is accepting of the love given by the partner who does not by accepting them for who they are and in turn reciprocates that love. Then it becomes a complimenting love. However there is also the option to accept the love from that person and not give back. That would be having upper hand on a one-way street. Because it surely isn’t love

        Thank you for your reply

      • I’m an avid believer in self-love. Only then can you love another properly.

        But I understand your viewpoint. I (and I can only speak for myself) would only want to love a person that loves and values himself enough without me. I don’t believe in “cute” love such as people who say another person “completes” them. How did they do that? It must have been magic. We wake up daily complete. Breathing, walking, whole people. I find it true that each individual is complete by his or herself. I don’t find it cruel to love yourself, I find it cruel not to. I feel as though we all have to take the best care of ourselves and only then will we be respected and valued.

        Taking advantage of a person is only when they aren’t fully aware. I make it very clear (as it shows) in the places I go, the food I eat, my appearance, and my education, that I love myself. I don’t think one should ever love a person more than they love themselves. It’s a recipe for disaster. I also believe in loving/liking someone at their level. As in… a push and pull. It’s not likely you’d buy a house for a person you just met a week ago. I think one should guard the heart in that way too. Sure you could love a partner without loving yourself, but is it smart? I’d say no. Why would that partner love you if you don’t love yourself? Where’s the incentive? Where’s your value?

        I’d just caution (if it’s you we’re talking about) that you wouldn’t love someone more than you love you. I’ve done it before and it hurts. I don’t think I’ve ever been with a person who I knew loved me more than himself, and if so, I wasn’t aware of it so that wouldn’t have been wicked of me. I’m sure that once I sensed that they did love me in that way—it was soon over, since people don’t generally come out and say “Hey girl I love you more than I love me!” Lol. That’d be the fastest way to lose my interest entirely. I don’t think it’d be comfortable for me to accept someone loving me without feeling the same way, that’s called not calling back. Because I wouldn’t.

        No thank you Chyna for your reply. Such engaging conversation.

  2. Hey Lalanii,
    I love your viewpoint.
    It’s kind of like the mother and her cub. She will give up her own life to save that of her baby cub. Ive seen much of that love in people where the parent loves their children more than they love themselves. They see more than that “what have you done for me lately” viewpoint. I just believe the value of someone goes far beyond tangible things. And if the manipulation of pushing and pulling is needed in a relationship, then to me that isn’t true love. I love my boyfriend for who he is not for what he is. Although I know his clumsy butt can do much more with himself. LoL. I support him, and I make sure he feels it. Because when we’re together I know the love I feel from him. It makes me know everything’s going to be alright. And it lets me know that with his love and support, we can get through so much together. I Love him to death.

    Thank you for your thoughts,
    whoever earned the privilege of your heart is a lucky man.

    • Yea, Chyna, only because I’ve loved someone more than myself have I known that that way doesn’t work (for me). I never look for a person who would stand the part of a “what have you done for me lately” female. Now, I would be more likely to go for a person who believes “let me see what I can do for myself, and what can I do for her that might complement what she’s already doing for herself.”

      The value of a person goes beyond tangible things, yes, I agree. But more in the way that’s similar to “help those who help themselves.” I would never be the person I am today if I didn’t have a mother who firmly believed in that idiom.

      Because Deductive reasoning will tell you if you don’t attain the things you want for yourself, then they aren’t truly earned—they’ve just been given—like the mother that gives her child any and everything and he has no idea how to live once she’s gone. Again, deductive reasoning would be the flight attendant that announces “Should the plane experience turbulence, SECURE YOUR MASK FIRST, and then reach over to help your children.”

      If there’s no push and pull (not necessarily in a manipulative way) in an intriguing way, then a relationship will likely taper off, just as friendships do. What happens to the friend I ALWAYS have to call and she rarely calls me back? Well, eventually I stop calling because no one likes a one sided friendship. If I push you (nudge you) you should push me back, and if I pull you, likely the friends I have and still have, will pull back. So I’ll get witty and funny texts like these:

      FRIEND: I hope you didn’t die, call me if you’re still breathing
      or
      FRIEND: Hey stranger, don’t be strange

      I have loved people who weren’t in tune with “their best selves.” I have seen one of those people become a doctor, and one of those people drop out of school and lose his job. Who is more attractive to me right now? The doctor obviously. Not because of the money he may or may not make, but because of the drive he had to have to get there. He put his mind to something and did it with/without me. But it doesn’t mean I don’t still have great feelings for my drop out. I don’t love people for what they are, but rather who they are, as well. Professions come and go. Who am I dating now? Neither. I’m currently a free agent, just dating one guy I like a lot.

      As any mother I want the best for my child and would do any any anything for him, but the lessons he’s learned from me aren’t when I’ve given him EVERY thing (as I usually do) but rather when I’ve taken away and he’s straightened up his act. Surely, though I don’t use these tactics on any person I’m with romantically. I can love my son more than myself. But a significant other, he’ll have to stay equal to my love for myself, at best. I’m still a work-in-progress, but I like it this way.

      Kudos to you and your boyfriend for that support, and thanks for your comments, lots to think about! XOXOOOXX!

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